The garbage sandwich that is struggling with fertility
II would like to talk about fertility for a moment. More accurately, pressure placed on women relating to fertility.
Here's the back story: I have been with my husband for seven years. We started dating when I was 31. We moved in together 8 months after we got together. It took a few years for me to sort out my insecurities and to trust fully, and feel secure in our relationship. It has always been a good relationship, but I had my heart hurt a couple of times before and it was a process resolving all that. We bought a house 3 years ago, and 2-1/2 years ago he proposed to me in the forest. It took a year to plan the wedding, and now we've been married a nearly a year and a half. We've been trying to conceive pretty much that whole time. It started out with a chemical pregnancy pretty much the first month. That was emotionally very hard, but also optimistic, because if you get pregnant, that's good. But since then it's been nothing.
I have done and am doing about a million things to improve my mental and physical health, and I know it's working. I feel strong and robust in a way I didn't previously. But it's an emotional roller coaster in a special way that is very terrible.
There are a bunch of ways that this issue hurts women. For one, it effects so many more couples than you realize, because people don't talk about it. In western countries, male fertility has declined dramatically over the last fifty years. What is considered a "normal" sperm sample is vastly sub-par to what was considered normal fifty years ago. (https://academic.oup.com/humupd/article/23/6/646/4035689). While the reason isn't clear, I could theorize about a thousand small changes in our lifestyles - more chemical contamination and toxicity, pesticides, EMFs all over the place, more processed foods, more sugars and starches in our diet. We are living in such a different world now compared to our ancestors, it is hard to know which factors are doing what. I suspect it all plays a part adding up to a less healthy whole. I suspect womens systems are likewise effected, though I don't have statistics to back up that theory. It is true though, that women are starting their families later in life.
But for women, I like to call the whole problem is a garbage sandwich. It's just a classic mind-fuck in a way you don't see coming until you experience it.
First off, we spend our whole lives prior to this moment avoiding pregnancy. It's scary, it'll destroy your life, you'll have to go on welfare, you won't be able to do what you need or want to do, and it's shameful. Sex is naughty and dirty. We women have to protect ourselves from all that from our first interactions with boys. In my upbringing, sex before marriage was not a capital offense, but it sure was bad and frowned upon. I lived with my first boyfriend anyway, but my parents still loved me. But I knew that situation wasn't stable, I couldn't rely on that boyfriend financially, and if I got pregnant, I'd be super vulnerable. I figured I'd have to go live at my parents farm in their goat shed (not actually, but I did have this image...).
The idea of unplanned pregnancy making us into some form of "fallen woman" is profound. Not to mention STIs and being trapped in bad relationships because of getting pregnant unintentionally, or dealing with divorce, financial struggles, single parenting, custody problems, the list goes on.
I feel that our society puts a pretty negative spin on parenting. For men it's not so bad - their focus is still their work, and they can be upstanding and honorable about providing for their kids. For women, now that women can work outside the home and have jobs, we are supposed to "have it all" - a good job, a lovely family, a clean house and be fit and pretty and content as well. I don't understand how this is supposed to work. I think we are spun a narrative that is fundamentally impossible. Don't get me wrong: I am very feminist and very in favor of women doing what they want to do, be it work, raising a family, having a cute house, all of the above. But when the concept of womens "liberation" amounts to greater demands on women to work 40 hours a week and somehow also be completely involved parents at the same time, it's just overwhelming and breaks down at a practical level. I would like a system that supports women whatever they choose to do. In other eras we had closer knit communities which came along with more possibilities for child care. Now if a woman wants to work, child care is so expensive, having a great job is harder, and the whole thing feels like it's designed not to let you get ahead. Especially if you do not have a corporate job. I am a self-employed artist. I have gotten by, but never made much money, so that whole equation felt overwhelming. I never knew what I would do if I got pregnant, so I was very, very careful. And it worked, which was good, until it wasn't anymore.
So for all these reasons, I wanted to make darn sure I was in a good place before a kid came along: a stable household, a good marriage, myself and my husband in a good mental and emotional place. For me that happened when I was 37. I was reaching that place for 1-2 years before then. When we got engaged at 36 I went to a naturapath to see what I should do to prepare physically. I would have been happy tossing the condoms at that time, but my now husband wasn't quite there, and I didn't want to push him into something he wasn't ready for. He's a few years younger than me, so he wasn't in a huge rush himself. But we got it together and went for it shortly after the wedding.
To do all that work, do everything right, and then hit a brick wall of trying unsuccessfully to conceive is a pretty solid gut punch. Then suddenly there is a whole new narrative you've never heard before. Everything tells you how fertility declines after 35, and it's all about egg quality and hormone levels going downhill, and being over 35 referred to as "advanced maternal age." It felt like I'd worked so hard to get where I was going, I got there and was ready for my victory lap, and then was told I did everything wrong, and was actually a failure.
When I got that first positive pregnancy test, I was scared but very happy. My sister in law said in a text message "damn girl, you're fertile!" and I was proud. Which is in itself strange, because of the self-worth and self-judgment that we take from our ability or inability to procreate when we feel like it. (My wonderful sister in law only meant good things by it, but those words have gone round in my head, trying to make sense of how much I felt those words in victory followed by defeat).
In hindsight I can see that pregnancy just didn't have the strength to make it. The tests didn't darken up like they should have, showing properly developing HCG levels. I felt a sense of fire and intensity for about a week, and then it stopped. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but didn't worry too much. Then three days later I got my period.
I'm not going to detail everything I have done since then. Improving my diet, giving up alcohol and most of my caffeine, a ton of supplements, reading books, acupuncture, doctors visits, charting my temperature. A mountain of journaling and processing my feelings and figuring things out emotionally and spiritually. A lot. But it's powerful. I feel great and much stronger and healthy. I have virtually no menstrual cramps or PMS.
But the emotional roller coaster of it is brutal, and it keeps going. And I won't give up because this is what I want, and there's no reason it shouldn't work out just fine. If you're wondering, they say my progesterone is a little low, my AMH is a little low, my FSH is a teeny bit high, but not bad. Generally stuff they blame on age, but nothing so terrible that makes anything impossible. My instinctive believe in my body to do its work is strong and optimistic. I think it will happen, I just have to make it through the gauntlet until then. And perhaps that is the basic flawed mindset about it. Life is supposed to be for living, and it is hard to live free and fully when you are just trying to make it through the gauntlet till you get the thing that you're working toward. It's a slow process, and that's hard on your mindset. How to have enough chill confidence and faith to do what needs doing and let go to allow nature to do its work. I say that as though I know the answer. I don't. It's hard. I journal to release my feelings and I'm trying to meditate more.
We know that stress is a major factor that interferes with fertility. In my opinion, our society's structure, and the whole narrative about fertility, is set up for maximum stress. It's a fucked up way of being, and it prioritizes the woman last, at the very bottom. What does a woman in this position need? Support. Emotional, nutritional, spiritual, sometimes medical, support. And what does she get? Drugs and judgments. It may be "true" that fertility gets harder as we get older. But stress hurts our chances, statistically, and "you're just going downhill and running out of time" is a very stressful thing to be told. Also, we should be capable of vibrant health and vibrant fertility until menopause, (and after that, still vibrant health.) Even if it's not going to attain that goal, that should be the goal we set for ourselves and our system. Not a mentality like "well, it just goes down hill, so we'll try to push the body into doing it, even though the numbers are kind of lousy and your chances aren't great... Maybe you'll get lucky..." Right? It's gross. I have sought out acupuncture and naturopathic and herbal support, and thank goodness we're in a position to afford doing it, because the doctor brushed me off with a prescription to Letrazole and a conversation pointing me on the path to eventual IVF. It's not a good sign when every doctors visit is followed by crying and calling your mom, but that's what it was for me. Thankfully I found a great acupuncturist, some sweet naturopath and one herbalist/naturopath who only works with womens health, and really took time to talk to me about my emotional state, and my stress and address that as a part of our protocol. Bless her and those doing that work. That is the kind of support women (and all people really) need. Women need it badly right now, because this culture is not very woman friendly.
This process, for me, has been one of embracing and appreciating the beauty and sacredness of the female body. Periods aren't gross or a "monthly curse", they are a powerful part of the system and a way to connect with natural cycles, as well as a clue to overall health and wellness of the body. Hormones are delicate and easily thrown out of balance. I thought I was pretty healthy, and I was, but my body and hormones did need nutrition and support in ways I didn't realize.
For several months I had what my acupuncturist called "plum pit qi," a feeling like something is stuck in your throat even though there is nothing there. It is associated with stress and sadness, sort of like having a lump in your throat when you're sad. I also think about the throat chakra and whether it is blocked in some way. Intuitively I felt that part of my personal blockage was in communicating my ideas and my experiences. The struggle and isolation of people in this situation is real. We aren't sick, so we are supposed to be fine, but I read that the stress levels of those dealing with fertility problems is on par with those dealing with a life-threatening illness. That sounds dramatic, but we need to acknowledge that those feelings are real and hard, and acknowledge them to let them go. The point isn't to wallow, it's to release, so we can move forward emotionally.
The icing on the cake of what makes this hard is that people don't talk about it. My acupuncturist says that half her female patients are there for fertility treatment. It's a very common issue. And the sense of suffering alone always makes things harder. Which is silly, when we aren't suffering alone. But it's strange when social media is full of cute baby pictures, and they only make you sad, and you start crying when you accidentally walk down the baby aisle at the grocery store. I had to quit a yoga class because my very sweet teacher couldn't stop talking about her pregnancy and I got tired of trying not to cry on my yoga mat.
Going through this process has shown me how much nurturing and sisterhood we need in our culture, and don't have. It is a task we all have, to heal those lacks and find and create ways to support one another and create community and kinship and sisterhood.
I started to find the sacred in the feminine a few years ago, which was critical to this process. Prior to that, all familiar images of god were masculine, and the Feminine, along with Nature, the Earth and her cycles were an afterthought, a resource to utilize, and kind of a hassle. That mindset is damaging and undervalues the strength and divinity that is a part of all of us. And the stabilizing, grounding sense of strength and belonging that comes with connecting to the Earth and her cycles. That goes for women and men, who need that sense of connection just as much.
The medical side of fertility work is real and I'm not discounting it. But when my naturopath asked me to close my eyes and feel in my body how I felt and what was needed, and I started crying (I know, I cry a lot in this article. But hey, that's life). That was a major missing piece for me. I want to acknowledge for myself, and for others, how emotional this process is. It is all tangled up with survival of the species, lineages, our ancestors, the families we come from, the way we want to move forward and the future we are trying to build.
That's why I wanted to write this ramble and why I call it a garbage sandwich. It feels like you're stuck and can't win. But I think it's only hard because I am face to face with my own womanhood in a real way I never have been before. Up till now, I was female but that wasn't the point. I was doing my work, and trying to do my work in spite of being female instead of because I was female. Now I am digging in to what it means to be a woman, and going deep into the core of my body and mind and see what that means. Turns out it lets me tap into a connection with my own self, with nature, with Frigg and Hecate, and it is powerful. So I expect I'll realize eventually (I kind of know, but I'm still cranky about it) that I needed this year of struggle to find that wellspring of woman-power. Disconnecting any associations of femininity with weakness and realizing that being female is a source of great strength and it is amazing. My husband has a bit of an "it would suck to be a girl" perspective. Sometimes it is hard, but he doesn't feel the magic in it. I am doing my best to cultivate that magic and repair in myself some of the pain that's tangled up in it. Because there is pain that can go with being female. Emotional pain, physical pain from periods, not to mention the ancestral and/or past life pain of child birth that is wired into our lineage, because it is a part of most women's lives. That's heavy, but it's just life, and one more thing to acknowledge and integrate.
Pieces of my practice going forward includes ancestral work, more past life work, more work with deity, meditation, yoga. They all play a part in improving my state of mind and supporting the physical work on my health. And maybe somewhere along the way I'll stop writing this article and actually do my job getting ready for this art show I have coming up.
All my love,
Frances